Lean In

Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead
By Sheryl Sandberg (217 pages)
Published by Knopf
Bookish rating: 4.25

Lean In is one of those high-profile books that got oodles of people's kinckers (that one was for you, Molly) in a twist. From my observations, the disdain for this book came from two main places: (1) People who wanted to write off Sandberg because she's a gazillionaire, and (2) feminists who viewed her as buying into the big bad corporate (male) ethos (oh, hip hip hooray, more strife between women--AWESOME).

Now, I've read many, many books about women, working mothers, and feminism, and I think these attacks on Lean In are unfair. Here's why. Yes, Sandberg is incredibly wealthy, and yes, this gives her great freedom to outsource absolutely everything. But you know what? This isn't a How-To book on life balance for working mothers. She doesn't suggest making meals ahead of time and freezing them. If it was that sort of book, I'd be right there bitching with y'all, because that is a BIG problem in many, many books aimed at working mothers.

But see, THAT'S NOT WHAT THIS BOOK IS ABOUT. Lean In is a refreshingly practical book about how to maximize YOUR CAREER, not how to "do it all." Dozens of studies back up her opinions of workplace dynamics and the ways in which women, in a very real way, are encumbered by power structures, bias (often unintentional), and the biological reality of motherhood (i.e., pregnancy, child birth, breastfeeding). The problems this can create are not made up! One woman very close to me who works in a male-dominated field and is the deadly combination of being brilliant AND gorgeous was told in her performance evaluation (by a man) that she was too ambitious, a comment that would NEVER have been made to a male. I think someone also commented to her that she'd jump ship once she had a baby anyway, but I admit I was a couple drinks in during our conversation at that point. Another woman close to me was recently reprimanded by her boss who complained her sick baby was making her attendance at work "unreliable," even though she had sick leave up the ying yang. I'm actually not sure that last one was even legal.

Sandberg lays out how shitty it can be to work as a woman, describing pretty darn clearly what women can be up against, if a worker isn't perceived as "nice" enough, likable enough--or if she comes across as "bossy" when her male colleague acting the same way is just being a good leader. She gives sage advice on maximizing your working time all the way to when you actually have that baby. Don't lean back because you want kids, she says. Lean in (hence the title) and gain the ground NOW, when it's a WHOLE LOT EASIER.

Truth, Sandberg. TRUTH.

Post-baby, she doesn't shout LEAN IN! It's more that she encourages you, before baby, to get to a point to where you can operate in survival mode for a while when baby does comes, or "opt out" of the workforce with a many skills as possible at your command, contacts (should you decide to return), and some moolah in your 401k. And yes, once you've gotten yourself together again, lean in! Gain that ground at work! Oh, and men? Lean in AT HOME.

Now, some feminists think Lean In is a ploy to spread women, particularly mothers, even more thinly they already are, saying it plays too much into capitalism, patriarchal structures, etc. Yes, capitalism can and often does exploit women, but Lean In is not the book to start your anti-capitalism rant. There's an assumption that if you're in the paid workforce, if you're pursuing a career, you'd like to get PAID for it, do your job WELL, and be treated FAIRLY. That's not to say Sandberg skirts around the structure of modern working. Like moi, she agrees that yes, we need affordable daycare (lord, YES); yes, we need more family-friendly work environments; yes, I will even go so far as as to agree with her and advocate for paid maternity leave, though I predict abuse of such a set-up would make many hiring managers terrified to hire younger women. But hello? Ladies? We're on the same freaking side.

The daycare issue was also handled very intelligently by Sandberg. High-quality child care--which is the only kind I'm willing to pay for--is, in our area, mind-blowingly expensive. And of course, millions of women say, "Daycare is the same as my salary. What's the point?" When you're in the gray area so to whether to stay in the paid workforce, that child care tuition is a major, major hurdle to get past in your mind. Sandberg suggests closing your eyes to the math of it (actually, that's more MY suggestion---really, never, ever do the math--you'll cry) and view the child care costs as (1) temporary (WOOHOO!) and (2) an investment in your own career. Yes, the "bad, selfish mommy!" sirens will start going off and you will be JUDGED. That's life.

The timing of this part of Lean In resonated with me. Slogging through two pregnancies, birthing two children, enduring two maternity leaves, breastfeeding two babies, returning to work after having a baby two times, and juggling very young children during a difficult time at work was incredibly hard. I actually don't know how I did it, in retrospect. On the days I didn't want to QUIT, I did try to view tuition as investment. Mercifully, the investment appears to be paying off. This recent promotion simply wouldn't have happened if I hadn't stuck it out, clawing my way forward against what felt like, at the time, overwhelming odds. Frankly, I have a little more pride than is attractive in that I pulled it off while operating in a sleep-deprived haze. People might not LIKE that this is how the working world works, and yes, we're incredibly lucky that Chris and I had the ability to make it work these past few years---we had a good situation to work with and a whole lot could've gone wrong, and maybe it still will. But in general? Sandberg's advice on the daycare thing as a temporary investment? It's good advice--it's just unpopular and requires a great deal of unpleasantness if you haven't quite hit the CEO level by the time baby #1 comes along.

Also? Slogging through and just paying the tuition is not necessarily the right set-up for everybody. Lean In is very insistent that every family and situation is different, and though obvious, I agree that it's an important point to underline. We LOVE to judge mothers, like mothers who return to work "too soon," mothers in leadership positions who make personal decisions differently than we think they should "because it sends the wrong message." (I'm thinking of Marissa Mayer returning to Yahoo! a few weeks after giving birth---oh, people CAME UNGLUED. What's the big freaking deal? It's not what I would've done, and I didn't. So what?)

My favorite, most compelling part of Lean In was when Sandberg made an analogy of a woman and a man, each of whom have just had a baby (okay, only the woman actually birthed said baby), have identical skill sets, identical jobs, and are the same age. For fun, let's pretend the woman is pumping at work. Now, they're preparing to run a marathon (aka, working full-time at a particular career). They set off and they're running, running, running. Marathons are long. They are hard. As they run, the man is being cheered along the whole way: "Way to go! Way to provide for your family! Oh, you good provider, you! Go get 'em! Way to get that promotion! Climb that corporate ladder! You rock!" And so on. What message does the woman get as she runs the exact same marathon? "Why are you doing this to yourself? You know, you don't have to do this. You can stop running. What, are you trying to PROVE something? And . . . who's watching your kids right now?"

Oh, holy eff bomb. I read that part three times and burst into tears. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT IT'S LIKE.

I asked Chris to read this book. First, I wanted him to better GET the working woman/working mother perspective. Second, he manages a LOT of women. Reading this book can only make him a better, fairer, more tuned-in manager. Third, for the first time ever, he now has a female boss. (We joke that technically, he has had three female bosses at home, but you get my point.) Again, having a broader perspective of a woman in a leadership position can only help him be a better worker bee. Finally, he has two daughters. He has a very vested interest in ensuring the best possible futures for his little girls.

He read it and liked it. It was eye-opening in several ways for him.

One legitimate beef I had with the book was Sandberg's example of her husband treating her career as important as his own, joining SurveyMonkey as CEO (I think) and just moving the whole damn company to the Bay Area for the convenience of HIS family. Um, yeah, THERE is a disconnect with average people. How many families, I wondered, did that move screw over? How many dual-earner families had to decide who would quit their job, either staying put or moving to Silicon Valley--the most expensive place EVER? I mean, good lord, find a freaking job in the same city as your wife--don't uproot and disrupt the lives of countless families who probably really NEED the job, so you, oh gazillionaire, can be home in time for dinner. So, yes, I put on my judgy-judy face. That was a selfish and ridiculous move.

Also, the last chapter or so was a tad repetitive in its vision true equality blah blah blah.

NEVERTHELESS. This is a good book, a valuable book, a worthwhile book. Recommended for all who are women who work, work for or with women, are raising girls to be women, or give a hoot about women. Which is hopefully everyone reading this post.